Disclaimer: ESPN Magazine and the Mighty Ducks are owned by Disney. The orange juice comment is a nod to one of JSO’s stories!
This is based on segments from ESPN the Magazine.
“ESPN the Fanfic”
“Outtakes”:
Dan Patrick quacks it up with Nosedive Featherburn.
The non-beaked freaks are still kinda creeping me out, but other
than that…
Dan Patrick: Welcome to Earth.
Nosedive Featherburn: Uh…thanks, man. Good to be welcomed, but you do realize I’ve been here, like, six months, right?
DP: Six months already?! How’s the culture shock?
NF: The non-beaked freaks are still kinda creeping me out, but other than that…
DP: You mean humans?
NF: They’re all over, dude!
DP: And we’re creeping you out?
NF: Hey, don’t be so quick to judge, Danny Boy. Imagine being transported to a planet that is like a supernova and instead of ice you have this green stuff named grass, and not that you’re weirded out enough, but the non-beaked-non-feathered-freak natives show up worshiping something called football or futbol, and seem to be missing this little part of the anatomy dubbed the brain. I mean, war is the answer to everything to you people! Bomb here, bomb there! Blow this up because I hate the way you live! Blow that up because you called me a funny name when we were kids! I had a bad year, so I’m going to blame it on you! I mean, really. That’s mature.
DP: I know that place! It’s called Earth.
NF: I know. Creepy.
DP: How’s captain relations these days?
NF: Ah, can complain. Wildwing’s a workhorse. Up at six—no, correction—on the ice at six. God forbid you step on the ice at 6:01. It’s like the world is ending. Oh, and don’t get me started on him starting about my room. And if he pours one more glass of orange juice—
DP: He’s your brother, right?
NF: Yup.
DP: Does he work you harder than the others?
NF: [shrugs] Yells at me more, that’s for sure.
DP: Happens a lot?
NF: Um…pleading the fifth.
DP: On the ice?
NF: Actually, that’s the only time he doesn’t.
DP: Roommate on the road?
NF: [hesitates] …Mallory.
DP: A girl? Wow, that’s different. Any problems with that?
NF: She doesn’t let me in our room.
DP: So where do you sleep?
NF: In Wing’s room.
DP: Is that why he yells at you?
NF: Nah. He yells at me because I drop water balloons from the hotel window.
DP: Favorite movie?
NF: Gruesome Goalie XXXI. Wait! This isn’t going to be aired or anything, right?
DP: The camera normally does insinuate that, yes.
NF: When? Are we talking like twelve at night or like…
DP: Sportscenter six P.M.; one, five, six, and eleven A.M.
NF: Can you cut this?
DP: Why?
NF [cringes] I feel a yelling fest coming on.
DP: Anything besides the humans bugging you about Earth?
NF: You do not want to open that bag of pucks, Dan, but since you asked…actually, the spoon-fork thingy. What is with that?!
DP: Oh, the spork! What’s not to like about that?
NF: It’s having an identity crisis! Is it a spoon or a fork?
DP: It’s both! It’s half spoon, half fork. Works well when eating mashed potatoes and carrots at KFC.
NF: KFC?
DP: Yeah,
NF: [blinks and grimaces, disgusted] Uh…
DP: [shrugs] What?
DP: Was it hard growing up with the name like “Nosedive?”
NF: Was it hard growing up with a name like “Dan?”
DP: At least my name is normal.
NF: At least when I heard “Nosedive!” I knew the person meant me, and I ran. When you heard “Dan!” did you know to run? I think not! There could have been hundreds of Dans being yelled at.
DP: I’m beginning to understand why your brother yells at you.
NF: It’s all out of love, dude. It’s all out of love.
A/N: This next section takes place in 2004 (in current times), which would make Nosedive in my universe twenty-four, Wildwing twenty-nine, and Mallory twenty-seven. This is supposed to kinda give you an insight on what the Ducks would be doing if they were here now, during the lockout, and didn’t go home as of yet. And…well, to be funny, too!
“For Love or the Game”
Nosedive Featherburn, NHL, Mighty Ducks, No. 33
Who knows the fire hot, All-Star left wing better, his vivacious, hard-hitting linemate or his solicitous, goalie brother? To find out, we shot pucks at Nosedive, then challenged Mallory McMallard and Wildwing Featherburn to guess his answers, awarding 0-5 points per response. Because life is a team effort.
Recent Embarrassing Moment:
Nosedive: Um…I had a breakaway versus Marty Turco about a week ago, tripped over my own skates, and checked myself into the boards.
Mallory:
Wildwing: He’ll tell you it was
the
If not for hockey, I’d
be…
Nosedive: Dead.
Mallory: A baseball player. (0)
Wildwing: Unemployed or working at Wiener World. (0)
Favorite Movie:
Nosedive: Gruesome
Goalie XXXI, best horror flick ever, but since I’m “too young” to have see
it, um…Canadian Bacon
or Anchorman.
Mallory: SpongeBob SquarePants (0)
Wildwing: He’ll say Anchorman…maybe even Canadian Bacon…Stars help us…but it’s really Gruesome Goalie XXXI. (5)
If you were the
president, you would…
Nosedive: Be the prime minister.
Mallory: Take over the world. (0)
Wildwing: Be a dictator. (0)
Worst Habit:
Nosedive: Not following my brother’s orders
Mallory: He doesn’t clean up after himself. He never does the dishes. He might, one day, decide to finally not be such a hot dog and—not listening to Wildwing. His worst habit is not listening to Wildwing. (5)
Wildwing: [shakes head] He doesn’t clean his room, never takes out the garbage or even arrives to practice on time. Oh, and how about—he can’t follow orders, even if his life depended on it. That’s his worst habit. (5)
Brittany or Christina:
Nosedive: [shivers] Neither…scanks.
Mallory: They’re scanks. He’s not going to touch one of them. (5)
Wildwing: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday-Christina; Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday-Britney; Saturday-both (0)
Favorite Comic Book
Character:
Nosedive: Wow! There’s Batman, Superman; Martin Manhunter’s pretty cool, too. Wonder Woman is awesome. Oh! And Plastic Man! Spiderman ain’t bad either, and the X-Men are just—Starfire. My favorite character is Starfire. Without a doubt.
Mallory: He reads a lot of Teen Titans. (2)
Wildwing: [rolls eyes] Wingnut’s girlfriend…[snaps fingers] What’s her name? Firestar? (4)
Mountains or Beach:
Nosedive: Mountains. I like the snow and cold weather. Reminds me of home. (5)
Mallory: Mountains, no doubt. It reminds him of home. (5)
Wildwing: Mountains. He likes the snow and chilly temperatures. It’s like home. (5)
Goalie You Most Want
to Beat:
Nosedive: Wildwing. He’s got a fast glove and perfect position! I can’t find a hole!
Mallory: Marty Brodeur or Marty Turco; the Martys have his number. (0)
Wildwing: [smirks] Me. I know how he thinks, how he moves. I give him nothing. (5)
Favorite Song:
Nosedive: [snorts] The
Chicken Dance
Mallory: [rolls eyes] Please don’t make me answer this…The Chicken Dance (5)
Wildwing: If he gets The Chicken Dance played once more during the pre-game skate, he is off the team, blood or not! (5)
Do You Snore?
Nosedive: No! Not at all! Never!
Mallory: No, but only because we strapped tennis balls to his back…by force! (5)
Wildwing: He did, but we had to tie tennis balls to his back. Good thing he’s a hard sleeper. (5)
Most Recent Read:
Nosedive: Batman: War Games by DC Comics
Mallory: Um…he reads? Oh! Something comic book-y…(2)
Wildwing: Batman: War Games; he cried when Spoiler died. (5)
Favorite Rink:
Nosedive: Besides home, the ice and crowd are great at the Bell Centre. They’re so passionate about hockey it’s incredible. It’s just like being at home, and they even cheer us because we’re Canadian citizens, too!
Mallory: He likes the Canadian arenas, and he loves the
chili dogs from
Wildwing: He really likes going to
SCORE: The answers were locked up, too! We almost couldn’t publish them! NHLPA President Wildwing stops the salary cap, 47-37!
“Icebreaker”
Left Wing Nosedive Featherburn,
Vice-President of NHLPA,
Last Time You Cooked You mean “burned” something, right? Actually, last night I made Easy Mac in the microwave, and it didn’t taste too bad. The guys even said it was edible. Last time I actually made something…was probably two years next Thursday, and I’ve been bared from the kitchen since.
Mascot We’re seven talking ducks. Do you really think we need one?
Go-To Locker Room Cliché Good intentions get you thrown into another dimension with no way to get home, and then Disney cancels your show, and you’re forced to result to fan fiction writers’ endings. [Shivers]
FAQ By Fans and Answer “Are you going to take over our planet?” or “Take me to your leader.” Answer uno, “My planet isn’t imperialistic like yours, kiddies.” Answer dos, “Go talk to my brother; he deals with that stuff.”
“42 Words or Less”
“What do they think? We’ve been here for years, get followed by People magazine, play hockey, fight a huge, red, alien dinosaur for this planet’s health as much as our own, and now we’re going to take over Earth through the NHLPA?” Nosedive Featherburn, recently elected Vice-President of NHLPA, on opposition to his VP election and his brother’s presidential election to the NHLPA Executive Committee.
“Jock High”
Wildwing Featherburn, Mighty Ducks
Class Clown My little brother Nosedive. Practical jokes, not-practical jokes, one-liners, comments, he’s the whole package. Trust me. You do not want to be the receiving end. We actually had to move Mallory’s room from next to his due to all the jokes he pulled…and because of the fire…
Class Bully Bully in terms of poking fun, Duke. His name just says it all, and he always has a comment. But really, he’s so loyal; that’s why. He’s like an older brother. In terms of pushing people around, that goes to Grin, but not for what he does to our team. It’s because of what he does to the others.
Most Likely to Succeed That would probably Nosedive, too. He’s the youngest of us, and he’s smarter than others realize. Now, if I could just get him to do his homework…(DL: I actually believe WW would be this, but he wouldn’t admit it. Don’t you agree?)
Most Likely to Recede That would be Mallory because every time she loosens up, she goes right back to being the military soldier. However, Nosedive is working on her…
Best Dressed Mallory again. She’s always shopping and knowing the trends. She told me the other day not to wear this tee-shirt I had just brought because orange was “so 1980s.” We weren’t even here during that time! …On the other hand, Tanya is getting there because Mallory dresses her. And Canard has the trendy tan going on.
Worst Dressed Grin. He needs to lose the white PJs. I think I’m going to get Mallory to buy him some jeans…a leather jacket…yeah…
Prom King Canard.
He was ours at Caps.
Prom Queen Depends on the day, but Mallory is more of the classical version. However, Tanya, when she puts on a dress, you’d be surprise just pretty she really is.
“Free Association” with hockey player Nosedive Featherburn
President George W. Bush Senator Joseph R. McCarthy
Forbes’ report on the NHL What? Did people think we were lying?
That’s
Disney/Pixar’s Incredibles That’s what they did with the money from our show? Bye, Mike!
Xenophobes I’m surprised there are no “We don’t hire ducks” signs yet.
Survivor That’s not surviving. Surviving is when a planet is taken over by a totalitarian force, and its population is forced to live off of scraps and whatnot as slaves when there is no hope of escape.
Resignation of Powell Is col-in or coll-in?
“:001: Worst Nightmare”
The Chameleon is dressed in a suit and tie with the name tag “Gary Bettman” on the left breast of his jacket and is holding a document entitled “NHL CBA.” The Mighty Ducks, dressed in their game uniforms, are standing outside of the Anaheim Pond, which has chains and a big lock across it. Tanya are crying, while Duke is attempting to comfort them. Mallory has a puck launcher pointed at the lizard, and Wildwing and Nosedive both are enraged. On Wildwing’s jersey says “NHLPA President,” and Nosedive’s states, “NHLPA VP.” Grin is holding both of them back.
THE END